Discipline. It's a system of rules, limits, behaviours, and consequences used by adults to encourage desired behaviours in children and discourage inappropriate or undesired behaviours. Setting limits. Punishment. Discipline makes things easier.

Aural Discipline

The Chemical Brothers are using all that money they made selling broken glass and baby powder to junkies to open a club later this year. It will be called "Glint", capacity about 150 and in West London somewhere. Keep your ear to the ground, because you know that it will be fantastic for the first couple of weeks then horrifyingly difficult to get into. Ladbrokes are currently taking 1-4 that they will be going for "that old acid-house vibe, you know, just people playing their own records and having a good time".

Guru, god love him, is bringing back Jazzmatazz with Album III: Street Soul, featuring such surprising and diverse guests as Erykah Badu, Jay Dee, The Roots, Kelis, D'Angelo, Maxwell, Macy Gray, Isaac Hayes, Herbie Hancock and DJ Premier. Every tune will feature Guru's signature "slightly rubbish" style of rhyming. That said, you know the album will be potentially very hot when it drops October 2nd.

On a similar tip, in the wake of De La's mad fresh new album, Black Eyed Peas are back with a new album called "Bridging the Gap" - featuring the same kind of crew - De La, Mos Def, Macy Gray, Charli 2na and DJ Premier. May well be worth a quick listen, if you ain't sick of all this indecipherable semi-conscious so-called alternative rap by September 26th.

Alan McGee, founder of collapsed record label Creation and man responsible for the brief celebrity of Heavy Stereo, has lashed out at the famously revolutionary and socially important Mercury Music Prize after the announcement of the nominees. "Primal Scream do not suck Corporate Cock," he said, "Coldplay are bedwetters' music." The record industry has been rocked by his comments. At the time of writing, Nitin Sawhney, another Mercury nominee, was unavailable for comment.

The Technics/DMC Wicky-Wicky-World DJ Championships are coming to England for the first time. Sunday September the 24th at the Millennium Dome Skyscape venue, with the team finals the day before. It's a 3,500 seater, which will be rocking, with the sound of about 26 DJs including Craze, defending his title. Guessing that one of the Scratch Perverts will be the UK champ, it will be one hell of a crazy competition. Well worth chick-shhh-chick-checking. £10 per day. 6:30 'til midnight in a massive expensive white tent.

"Woman in court on Billie Piper kill threat charges" - a great headline, we wish her the best...Eminem won't last ten minutes in the chokey...Left Eye from TLC's gone missing. If you see her, tell her to call home, her mom's worried...Who told you you could do it like this, you can't do it like this...23 Skidoo, masterminds behind Deckwrecka and Ronin Records playing The Scala on october 19th with the perverted monk from the perverted monastery - Jeru tha Damaja...Reprazent and MJ Cole at the Shepherd's Bush Empire on october 16th...the Camden Mix is all dub for some reason - prince buster and lee perry are the highlights on the 15th and 22nd of october respectfully...lambchop at the Royal Festival Hall on september 23rd...if you're getting tickets, get one for a friend...it's only a few quid and they'll really appreciate it...coldplay fucking are betwetters music...

Aphex Twin, with his big hooters and fancy beard, is bringing Rephresh back. Indubitably bored of retirement from the music industry, he's hosting the night on the last Friday of every month at The End, home of Monday night indie catastrophe "Trash". We look forward to dancing to some noises normally only ever winced at, a hairdryer and techno. Special guest "Living in the 1980s" star Cylob. Work out which is the last Friday and get down.

And I read somewhere that the Smashing Pumpkins are finally fucking off, thank Christ.

Visual Discipline

I met that big headed girl from the Playstation advert in the Light Bar on Tuesday. She really does look like that. I got off with her and she told me that aphex twin's tits are fake. Chris Cunningham has a video installation soundtracked by the silicone queen himself, Richard James, at the Royal Academy exhibition "Apocalypse" which, based on it's press release "is a contemporary, secular interpretation of the biblical story of St John the Divine which contains elements ranging from the horrors of genocide to the beauties of Utopia." Yee-haw. Thirteen artists, including Jake & Dinos Chapman and Mariko Mori, with a gallery each, opening on September 24th. £8 for adults, £1 for 8-11 year olds. The only question is - go yourself or send 8 little kids?

The big fat Imax cinema will be showing various cult films at the end of each month in its "After Dark" season. September's movie is Apocalypse Now! "Please note that it will not be shown in 3-D." And next month - a double bill of Lovers of the Arctic Circle and Me, Myself and Irene...Sleepy Hollow, now available at your commercially sickening film industry rent boy of a video store, contains the delightful, spritely Chrissie Walken (the real Han Solo)'s first screen kiss. It's a beautiful thing.

Our recommended film of the fortnight is PIGS - Redman and Method Man's exciting new thriller. Click here for our review.

Worldwide Discipline

The news broke this week that pictures of young boys online for the pleasure of old men are known as "twink" pics. How sweet. In other slang news, a Seattle news site has supplied a handy guide for those wishing to rape their dates. And if anyone's selling out there, I need some bump, roachies and goop for an "acquaintance rape party" which I'm throwing for my cousin.

A while ago, there was this program called Eliza, which pretended to be a psychoanalyst and was primarily used to teach children how shit computers were. Kevin Fox set it up to chat with people online. Funnier than fuck. Read five - it's a killer.

		Finally available for you to own - the blockbusting hit of last summer, "Reasons for Knocking at an Empty House". The 19 minute suprise smash of 1999, Bill Viola's masterwork (produced by Jerry Bruckheimer) tackles some of the prominent issues of our time, notably the subjectivity of space. Written by, directed by and starring the enigmatic Viola, "Reasons" was met with widespread critical confusion upon its release and has an ever growing legion of fans ready to dissect its meaning much in the fashion of Tarantino fans (or Taranteenies) in previous years. Dominic Mohan called it "bizarre and affecting", but you can make up your own mind by clicking here.

From Portal Of Evil.com - the mental bastards who brought us Fat Chicks in Party Hats - comes a potentially litigious slice of comedy directed at the hilarious PoemsForAnnika.com. Fabulous.

In our continuing competition to find the most boring on-line posting, we have decided on this month's winner. In response to a message posted by "Mike R" on Hallowe'en of last year on the subject of "ISS Evolution...ECTS", one "oli harris", potentially the most ennui-inducing idiot on the net has posted the simple response "december 10". View it here.

Luckily, not just for the safety and well-being of the good citizens of Saint Paul, Minnesota, but also for the petty amusement of us slack-jawed, new-media-drunk morons, the police of the area have set up a weekly updated photo gallery of everyone arrested for prostitution-related offences. Good for them. All persons are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.



Reality Discipline

This week and every week, we will be "naming and shaming" Rebekah Wade, the editor of the News of the World. Here at yeahmate: the mission, we are committed to ridding the world of newspaper fuckwits like this. We will patrol the streets with poorly spelt slogans daubed on cardboard until this, to use one of our own slogans, "FUKER GET OUT". I will not allow my kiddies to grow up in a world where SCUM like this are allow to peddle their dirty wares. We're not asking for mob violence, though obviously that would be nice, but to set up a "Rebekah's law", whereby we will be allowed access to the address of Rebekah Wade. Just, you know, so we know. Where she lives.

Finally, a cure for the fat. These terribly afflicted people have been living in the public's unsettled consciousness since such sensitively mocking films as What's Eating Gilbert Grape made the fat a fashionable concern in the late 1980's. Biologists from University of Michigan, through their research into precursor cells, may have solved a problem that threatens children like those we have watched with horrified and venomous glee on programs like "Fat Camp: A Story of Institutional Embarassment".

OLD NEWS

"It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream--making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that comingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams. . . ." He was silent for a while. ". . . No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one's existence--that which makes it truth, its meaning--its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live as we dream--alone. . . ."   - "Heart of Darkness", Joseph Conrad.

Now run.