"Discipline makes things easier" reckon Dead Prez on their 2 minute song "Discipline" "Plan your work. Work your plan." It’s with this in mind that we lay down a few disciplines for your ignorant ass. Topical like haemorrhoid cream.

Aural Discipline

We're reckoning that Drum 'n' Bass is on its way to a resurrection - Reprazent killing it with new tracks at Glastonbury - Who Told You, the phat as fuck new single (out September 11) & Bring it Back. I'm telling you. New album (featuring Method Man) out October 2. React bringing out compilation - 21st Century Drum 'n' Bass, 24th July. Fabric's still packing the big room out with the junglist faithful every Friday, while "Jump Up Touchdown", a triple-CD compilation of people like Ganja Kru and Aphrodite is keeping the "jungle hip-hop" side of things going. I know it sounds boring, but by the end of 2000, jungle will be picking up the pieces…

Bent, known inaccurately, ubiquitously and unimaginatively as "the British Air", have an album out - "Programmed to Love", named, I would imagine after the Elton John Lyric - "I am your robot and I'm programmed to love you. My serial number is 44357". NME said "it'll give us a rest from fucking Moby". Album promises to be quite beautiful, in a British kind of way and is out now on Sport Records.

You heard of De La Soul, right? Kelvin, Vincent and Dave just released new single "Oooh" featuring Redman and oh my fucking god it's good. It goes "Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh." New album - Art Official Intelligence: Mosaic Thump, first of three parts, scheduled for release soon and you know that it's going to be mad-mad-mad-hot-stop-what-you're-doing-and-pay-attention-temple-of-boom illness when it drops. You can check their interview online at Fat-Lace: The Magazine for Ageing B-Boys

Five Go Mad on Cheeba

"We been smokin' weed and we gon' keep it like that." - Raekwon the Chef.
5ive advocated the legalisation and hence use of cannabis in Sky magazine this month. Richie uses the classic Cypress Hill argument that only real cane-heads use - that it's "because it grows, it's natural. And if you believe in God, then how can anything that grows be illegal?" It's foolproof. J, who is notably fucking Mel C and has a tattoo of a bloke puffing on a zoot on his arm, claims he never smokes but that he "wouldn't exactly walk out of a party in disgust if people were doing it." He's a liar. But, I guess this explains all the confusion about getting up, getting down then getting back up again. (More recently, the band have retracted their statement in a light-hearted derivative rap form.) Go see their delightful one-page site where Robo will destroy you.

Steps have reached out for more publicity through some missing girl or something. Lee Latchford-Evans said "Sarah, everyone wants you to come home safe and well where a copy of our last single 'Darker Shade of Blue' signed by four of the band awaits you." Trained dogs then sang part of their smash hit "Tragedy" accapella while record company lackeys performed oral sex on the funky fivesome. The girl has since been found dead and two policemen and a bunch of photographers held a moment's silence in a portacabin. People have, tastelessly and inexplicably, been leaving teddy bears by the bush her dead naked body was found in. Expect "A Nation Mourns" headlines with adequate disgust.

Visual Discipline

100% White (Monday, 2200hrs, C4) gives us the exciting chance to look at the live of neo-Nazis. An elusive breed, they still exist in delightful enclaves of society where freedom of expression still reigns and belief systems are unaffected by the eroding tide of liberal values. And if you've stayed up, drug-ridden and insomniac, through car crashes, Ibiza horrors and another celebration of fat women (lord, when will they stop) you can watch Kurosawa's first colour film - Dodes'ka-Den, also known as Clickety Clack. It's about slum dwellers.

Big Brother starts on Tuesday night (C4, 2100hrs, Tuesday) after Dawsons: The Aftermath, a chilling grenades-in-the-shoes tale of requited love. You'll be on your edge of your seat as young people, desperate for their shot to be the next small thing, are essentially tortured in order that they might win £70,000 and the derogatory comments of millions. We wish them luck. You can watch them at Big Brother's site. {This program, recently screened, is going to be a cultural phenomenon. You are not going to hear the end of this for a while yet. In the words of MC Neat "Trust me. It's gonna be ma-a-a-assive."}

Unfortunately, your dreams of a seriously ill teen starlet will indubitably be interrupted by the Sopranos season 1 being repeated (Thursdays, C4, 11:30). Indubitably. If you didn't watch it last time it was on, for fuck's sake, watch it this time.

Jimmy Smits, meanwhile, will be virilely grabbing his humming lightsaber with both hands in Star Wars Episode 2, playing the man blown up in Episode 4, Leia's stepdad. Read the report. He's a great man and I wish him well. On the subject, apparently, Chris Walken and Nick Nolte were both considered for the part of Han Solo. Imagine how different the world would have been.

The sweet, sickening smell of Chevy Chase is in the air. Fletch may well be back - Miramax have bought the rights to all 11 remaining Fletch books for Kevin Smith to adapt and direct. The man like Chevy Chase could be back in the role or we may be able, just like in our wildest dreams, to even look forward to "Son of Fletch" - the most promising of the books. Though who cares, quite frankly?

Right now, in your video shop, you may be able to get a movie called Slam. Do so.

World Wide Discipline

"GAC stands for Generic Artificial Consciousness. GAC is the world's first computer program to attempt to learn from the world wide community how to be artificially conscious." - the opening words of a web site that could, in several years, be the major commanding unit of the "free" world. GAC, which is pronounced "Jack", works by compiling binary statements (Statements of consensus fact which can be True or False like "1 + 4 = 5"; "Episode 2 is going to be, like, lame") in order that it might simulate consciousness. You can do your bit by going and asking Jacky-boy questions at Mindpixel. In the process you get asked questions that others have posed. Find out what the rest of the geek world wants to know or buy the book.

Now that's Asda price.

Aware International are "the innovators of a revolutionary, sexy new concept ", namely pants and bras with little pockets for drugs. Still, despite the desperately naive and inadequate advertising, you've got to take your hat off to an organisation who have seen a market in the transparent minds of people who feel the need to stash their beans. Honestly, if you're going to places where the bouncers check your fag packet, you need to look at reassessing your haunts.

Have a look at SecretPockets. 

What, and by that I mean what the fuck, is up with Aibo the pretend dog? Sony are plugging this dog everywhere from the puerile, patronising Tomorrows World to the leechy, soulless pages of the sections of style magazines dedicated to the pursuit of the Hong Kong Phooey action figurine and it costs about £1,500. What the fuck? Sony, who gave us the Walkman and the Playstation now bring us Aibo. The pretend dog. That costs fifteen hundred quid.

"I would stay over at Lars' house for days making tapes of his records." - Hypocritical bitch James Hetfield of Metallica on the liner notes of the "Garage Inc." album

Reality Discipline

Blair seems to be continuing the trend towards a leader rather than a party. The documentary with unprecedented access, the high profile departure of Alistair Campbell (no time, you see) and now a "leaked" memo all point to a leader who wants you to relate directly to him. Close friends get to call him TB. Check out the memo, it’s just like a really shit fake note from your mum to get off games. Wickedness.

There was an outbreak of Aids pandemic statistics this week in the papers which rapidly spread to anecdotal conversation and is projected to reach careful consideration by the 27th. Ratios of statistics to descriptions or explanations have been higher than ever in the 706 column inches that "the African problem" have dominated. Thabo Mbeki, who as yet has no well-known song about him, put the blame on poverty in his recent speech. He was criticised by over 94% of well-paid liberal journalists, 3% of whom offered to cover the price of expensive powders and pills to treat the 25% of South Africans affected the disease. Meanwhile, teddy bears were laid down in memory of brave, brave Sarah Payne.

Yo, by the way - you bitches that have been actin all grimy, y'all need to check the knowledge.

In later news, a Californian woman gave her son away on the internet to a man she knew only as "Gus" and Dr Dre, currently on tour with a reformed NWA, Snoop and chick-a-chick-a-Slim Shady is suing Detroit for $25 million because they didn't let him show a video of him and Snoop smoking indo with some "scantily-clad women". Bow wow wow, yippy yo yippy yay.